Now that his divorce is final, Tiger Woods' golf game is starting to improve. I guess he just needed some financial incentive.
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Or maybe it was just that 100 million dollars weighing him down.
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In spite of all evidence to the contrary, Rush Limbaugh is still saying the President is a foreign-born Muslim. I guess as a fat, thrice-divorced drug-addict, he's used to ignoring the truth.
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My mother used to talk to our animals. She and the cats, especially, would have these conversations where they'd complain about us kids:
"We're so hungry," Mom would say in her falsetto cat-voice. "Why haven't the girls fed us?"
Then she'd answer:
"I don't know, Kitties. They promised they'd take care of you, but I guess they just forgot."

It was the kind of sneaky, passive-aggressive thing that I hated when I was a kid. I mean, if the cats had a problem, why didn't they just come to us?
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And it didn't matter if the animal was appealing or not: Mom knew what it was thinking. I remember one day, I got so fed up. Mom was telling me that a spider in our yard had given her a dirty look, and I knew I had to try and put a stop to it.

"Mom," I said. "You shouldn't anthropomorphize spiders. They hate that!"
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Back in Black

I was reading news headlines on the Internet today. A Massachusetts man was rushed to the hospital, complaining of breathing problems, only to find that there was a half-inch pea plant growing in his lung. The next headline was from the Chicago Tribune. It said, Health Tip: Chew Your Food. I thought, "Too bad they didn't run that in the Boston Herald."

Once again, Fox has fallen for a fake news story - this one about a woman named "Jenny" who took revenge on her boss by posting a series of unflattering whiteboard comments on YouTube. I think Fox News needs to update its slogan to "Not Good - Just Fair."